The Collection
Bacon Lube™ is the result of decades of research, several questionable procurement decisions, and one laboratory incident that has been formally reclassified as "a learning opportunity." We produce premium bacon-inspired lubrication products for discerning customers across Eorzea.
Bacon Lube™ is marketed as a luxury lifestyle product. It is not, technically, a personality. If you develop an emotional attachment to your bottle, please contact Human Resources. They have forms for this.
Original "Sea & Smoke"
Oceanic salt · Smoked pork
Our original formulation. Briny, smoky and aggressively confident. Developed for customers who believe "subtlety" is something that happens to other people.
Batch classification: Extremely Crispy
Price upon request
InquireSmoked Maple
Smoked maple · Vanilla
Warm, sweet and dangerously convincing. The official fragrance of people who say "just one drink" and then become involved in a tavern dispute.
Batch classification: Soft Launch
Price upon request
InquireCajun Fire
Chili · Smoked paprika · Garlic
For customers who consider "too much" a personal challenge. Bold, hot and absolutely unwilling to apologise for itself.
Batch classification: Legal Asked Us To Label It
Price upon request
InquireGarlic & Herb
Garlic · Rosemary · Thyme
Earthy and sophisticated, with the confidence of a product that has never once questioned whether it belongs on the table.
Batch classification: Board Approved
Price upon request
InquireGolden Chocobo
Butter · Honey · Nostalgia
Five hundred bottles. No restocks. No exceptions. Procurement has already been yelled at twice and is currently hiding.
Batch classification: Collector Asset
Price upon request
InquireBacon Lube X
Composition withheld
The next generation of bacon-based lubrication technology. More sizzle. More smoothness. More internal review meetings.
Batch classification: Do Not Ask R&D
Price TBA
Register InterestIf It Sizzles, It Ships.
Every batch undergoes rigorous sensory testing. Results are confidential, mostly because the testing methodology is difficult to explain to auditors.
We Make The Weird Normal.
Our R&D division exists to answer questions nobody sensible thought to ask. Occasionally, this creates shareholder value.
We Read The Fine Print.
We also write the fine print. This is considered a competitive advantage and absolutely not a red flag.
Which One Is Right For You?
Our proprietary Consumer Compatibility Engine will identify your ideal formulation based on completely legitimate science.
🔒 Procurement's Mystery Product
Procurement maintains that this button does nothing. Procurement has also asked us three times why there is a button. We therefore recommend pressing it.
Place an Inquiry
Select a product, provide your character details, and submit an inquiry. A Bacon Industries representative will contact you at a time determined by a complex algorithm currently described internally as "whenever someone notices the form."
By submitting this form, you agree to receive occasional bacon-related correspondence, product updates, corporate propaganda, and one completely unnecessary survey per fiscal quarter. We will not share your information with third parties unless they offer us something useful, Procurement approves the transaction, or the third party is a Lalafell with an excellent credit score.
⚠ IMPORTANT PRODUCT NOTICE
Bacon Lube™ is a fictional product created for entertainment within the Bacon Industries universe.
It is not a real-world product, medical product, food product, lubricant, or treatment of any kind.
Do not attempt to manufacture it. Do not consume it. Do not apply fictional corporate products to real-world problems.
Bacon Industries accepts no liability for customers who ignore the above because "it sounded funny."
📦 Shipping & Delivery
All fictional orders are delivered via chocobo courier. Delivery times vary based on chocobo speed, weather conditions, Gysahl Green availability, and whether the courier has discovered your snacks. Bacon Industries cannot guarantee delivery if the chocobo has developed a side quest.